Cat King, Evil Ninja and a Miserable Godfather
by Fekete
Summary: In which Lovino Vargas had had enough of his cousin's whines about not having a lover so he decides to help. Thank God he knew a perfect prince charming that loved cats just as much as Heracles. Hopefully, he will be able to handle all the evil kittens. platonic!Romano/Greece, Giripan, mentions of Spamano and FrUK


**Fandom**: Axis Powers Hetalia

**Pairing**: platonically Romano/Greece, Giripan, slight mentions of Spamano and FrUK

**Warnings**: Swearing, mentions of BL/Shounen Ai/Boy x Boy, slight OOCness, kind-of-a-parody-but-not-really

**Disclaimer**: I do **not** own Hetalia nor the characters, they belong to Himaruya Hidekaz-sensei.

**A/N:** I'm sorry. I'm afraid I might have been high on rainbow cookies when I was writing that.

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Once upon a time there lived a very lazy, cat-addicted bastard, who led quite a happy life in his small house in the southern coast of Greece. Actually it was a small flat in London, but that doesn't sound very fairytale-ish so let's stick to Greece. The poor bastard's parents lived in Crete, and even though I'm supposed to say that they were divorced or that one of them was dead and the other married a freaky witch/Voldemort, they were both healthy, happy and in love with each other. As in, in love. For real. And they owned a small hotel, so they were quite successful too.

Our main character was supposed to be at least a little bit miserable or some shit like that, but unfortunately, or well, fortunately for him, he wasn't. He was perfectly okay, living his cat dream. Because why should he live a normal 'teenage dream' or whatever it's called if he can live his own fucking unique 'cat dream', filled with meowing kitties who maybe were kinda cute? Well that's not the point. He lived his 'cat dream'. Full of loud, annoying, sweet fur balls. Fur balls that tried to eat albino bastard's bird, which was one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time. Fur balls that always dig their tiny and sharp as hell claws into my leg whenever I pet them. What the fuck is wrong with that? Seriously, if that's how these bastards show gratitude then I'm not ever touching them again. Even if they decide to show me these eyes of theirs. Here's a tip. Don't look into their eyes. They are going to fucking manipulate you into something you seriously don't want to do. But you will anyway. Because these bastards' _eyes will make you_.

Well anyway. Cat-addicted bastard's name was Heracles Karpusi. Don't call him Hercules. He's rather sensitive about it, for some reason. Can't blame him though. Hercules sounds fucking retarded. Well, that stupid idiot is twenty one this year and he's still a slave to the evil kitties. They make him pet them all the time, cuddle with them and whisper sweet nothings. Okay, he does the last one because he feels like it. Kinky bastard. The evil masterminds make him go out and buy loads of food they don't eat anyway, because they suddenly feel like frigging hunters and go hunting out in the woods. Or, well, the neighbor's apartment because she happened to ask nicely. And her screams when a tiny mouse suddenly ran across her kitchen were like old nail scratching an old blackboard. Sorry if it hurt your ears.

So you see, this is the tragic history of the poor, poor bastard, who acts like a cat himself. Sometimes I think that _**I'm**_ the fucking victim here, because I usually end up babysitting him. And he's 21. He's like a second Feliciano – my retard of a brother – just three years older. What the hell is wrong with all of them? I'm 22 and I feel like an old geezer because of how much annoyance they cause me. I hate people.

Okay, I guess I got a little sidetracked. As I was saying, the poor, poor bastard is like a cat himself. Just not the evil and 'why the fuck shouldn't we take over the world' kind of kitty like most of them, these evil, evil creatures, but rather like a 'mommy! Mommy! Where is my mommy!' kinda kitty. The cute one. The actually cute, fluffy and nice kitty. Oka0y, forget it. I did NOT just call that bastard cute and fluffy. I wanted to say innocent and naïve. Yes. Because let's face it, dammit. He was. He was a bigass, clueless little kitten. And I happened to be the mother. Or some crazy shit like that. I guess, since it's supposed to be a fairytale, then I am a godmother? Shouldn't a godmother be introduced later? This is stupid.

So before I introduce myself into the story, I'll just keep on writing how miserable Heracles is. Because he is. Or he's the Cat King. Well isn't that just peachy? A Cat King living a cat dream with his kitty army. And then there's me who has to clean up the mess. Okay, well, continuing. Even though Heracles, that crazy bastard, was very happy with his weirdass lifestyle, he knew he lacked and yearned for something, that most of us need. And I'm not talking about food, okay? I'm coming over to him to cook him a decent meal twice a week because otherwise that fucker wouldn't eat anything healthy.

I am talking about love. Shut up, it's fairytale, it's supposed to be something cheesy like that. So love, is it. Yes. It's love. He wanted to fall in love with someone, he needed it like air. Everyone around him was slowly finding their loved ones, the ones they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with. Even his frenemy (is that what they are called?) from Turkey, Sadiq, just recently started going out with that Egyptian kid. Sadiq is crazy by the way. Back in high school he asked me if I wanted to become his mistress and sail the seven seas by his side. Seriously? Who the fuck says that anymore? And what fucking mistress, dammit? I'm a guy. _Stronzo_.

Goddamit, I'm getting sidetracked too easily. Stupid Feliciano, his idiocy must be rubbing off on me. So Heracles, who was seriously depressed by the fact that even a fucking insane asshole like Sadiq found himself a little bit-, uh, a very nice lover, decided that he, too, must find someone to love. And that that someone will love him back. And you know what else the bastard had decided? That I, as his cousin, should help him with that. He asked me with _these eyes_. I told you the cats were evil, now they were teaching my entire weird family these manipulating technics! God must hate me. Why else would I get an annoying little bastard and an airheaded dumbass as brothers, perverted old man for a grandfather, we-are-never-here-so-deal-with-your-shit parents, and finally a Cat King of a cousin? Dimwits, all of them. Every single one of them. And then there's me. Do they think I'm supposed to be fucking available for their every request? Because they sure act like that.

"_Vee, fratello~! Could you go shopping with me and help me find some paints?" _

"_Oh Lovi, you. Isn't it time you tapped that Spanish sex god's fine ass?" _

"_Fratello, Peter and Wendy will come over today, can you prepare some dinner?" _

"_Hey…. Lovino… that cloud…. looks like a kitty…. doesn't it?" _

One day I will murder them. And when I do, no one can blame me.

And because I'm so fucking nice and these bastards would be dead without me, I agreed to help my idiotic cousin. We grew up together. He helped me pick tomatoes every year before I met… a certain bastard that isn't important, don't. Say. A word. So I felt like I owed him, okay? And I hate owing anything to anyone. It pisses me off and it hurts my pride. And besides he looked so pitiable, being all gloomy and looking at all these couples with his creepy green eyes. His ears seemed to be down too. Yes, of course I can see that his ears seem to be down, I told you, he is a fucking cat. If you saw something like that, something that looked like a lump of potatoes – yes, it was the worst image you could have imagined – you would want to help, too, most likely because you would be annoyed as hell that a frigging lump of potatoes kept on interrupting your alone time with your pediatrician fiancé. Forget the last line. Dammit, how do I delete the last line? Shit.

Moving on. Because I am the most amazing guy in the whole world, I happened to know someone that was crushing on my cousin. Yeah, I was as surprised. Because honestly, what could you see in a man that was made of kitties? He was. Or he was a Mamma Kitty. Or Papà, depends on how you look at it, I guess. He was a cat anyway. And someone found it attractive. Someone very close to me and, holy shit, I didn't expect that. The boy I will tell you about now will become a knight in shining armor, but not my cousin's in the slightest. He would become my knight in shining armor, finally freeing me from one of the dumbasses and saving the world from all the evil cat power.

The prince, the knight in shining armor, the superhero or simply Honda Kiku. The Japanese kid from down the street that was drawing gay porn comics for sick entertainment, his and crazy chicks from around the world. Fujoshi or something. The same Honda Kiku that have been one of my best friends since junior high school. The guy I had a crush on for a short period of time in high school. The shy, quiet and polite – all of this is bullshit, he's a perverted son of a bitch with ninja skills, the bastard always appears whenever I least expect him to – boy with cute face and lovely smile. He had a cat fetish too. I have seen some of his drawings. Half of the time, few of the characters would have cat ears. Why is everyone so cat-kinky?

Apparently, Kiku found Heracles absolutely adorable. They have known each other, but only briefly. I think I introduced them to each other when we were still in high school. Now that I think about it, their conversation lasted for around three hours. And it was about fucking cats. I even remember vaguely Heracles wanting to meet him again, but unfortunately, Kiku had to go to Vietnam to his step-sister's wedding with his step-brother from Thailand. Wicked, isn't it? After the wedding, Kiku went for a year to Japan to train under the eye of 'sensei'. Whoever that was. Simply like that, Heracles had never met Kiku again, forgetting about him completely. Well, not really. I get the feeling he had never forgotten.

What I was trying to say is that Kiku fell in love with Heracles. When we were 18. It had been four fucking years and he hadn't confessed. Every time I asked him about it, he just blushed and looked away. That or, to hide his embarrassment and instead make _me_ blush, pulled out suspicious photos from his pocket. Photos of me and Antonio making out. In Antonio's room. That had only one door and the windows were carefully hugged by the curtains. If someone is willing to explain, I'm waiting.

So obviously, Kiku was the perfect choice. He was smart, cute and a cat-lover. This is the part where Cinderella gets to the ball, in case you were lost.

**XxXxX**

One day after discussing everything with Kiku, I had called my cousin and informed him that he is to be ready by 10 a.m., because I am taking him out to meet someone who is looking for a cat. He agreed immidietly, very pleased by the idea of someone wanting to adopt a cute kitty and making that baby a part of their lives.

"Heracles! Open the fuck up!" I screamed, pressing the bell all the time. It was now eleven past ten and he still wasn't opening the door. I swear if he fell asleep with his headphones on again-

"Ah. Lovino. You… finally got here. Sorry, I was… preparing food for Sparta. And for others too" I stared at him with wide eyes, slowly absorbing the scene before me. It's not like it was unusual, but it got me petrified every single time. A devil-red colored cat sat in my cousin's hair, lazily licking it's paw. It was Sparta. On Heracles' right shoulder sat Athena, a snow-white kitten with bright blue eyes. Karamella, a light brown troublemaker, hung itself on Heracles' grey shirt, it's claw digging into my cousin's flesh. How the hell did he take that? In a similar position, just hanging off the left leg, was Erastis. The black devil. He loved making holes in me the most. And then, between Heracles' legs was Archimedes. A cat, don't worry. Archimedes looked like the most innocent one. His claws were never opened near me. However, he was a whole new level of evil. You see, he was the real mastermind, the real boss. The 'try to look away from my eyes if you can' game creator. Archimedes. Whatever that cat wanted was granted.

"Are you okay?" I head my cousin ask as I snapped back to reality. Stupid cat, he started to use that damned technic on me.

"Yeah. Hurry up. We'll be late otherwise, dammit" as he stepped outside of his apartment, all of his pets still next to him, a realization struck me. That idiot wanted to take a dozen of crazy monsters on his first date with Kiku. "Put. The cats. Away" as the words slowly left my mouth, I could feel six pairs of eyes on me, a cold shiver running through my body. These cat assholes…

"What do you mean, put them away? I cannot do that. They would cry themselves to death" Heracles explained to me, as if I were a five year old kid. How annoying. Does he think I have some kind of freakish powers to turn his cats into a perfect car? I am not _Arthur_. Goddamit, what was that spell that Godmother always said? Bamity Bokitty Badum? Barum Ballity Bitty?

"Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo" I grumbled under my breath, glaring challengingly at Sparta. She was supposed to be the driver and get Heracles safely to the ball where he could meet his prince charming/my savior, Kiku. I just wanted to add that Heracles gave me the most annoying look one can possibly imagine.

**XxX**

The enchanted meeting between the princess… Cat King, and the prince, Kiku, went well. Very, very well. Heracles' eyes went wide as soon as he saw my friend, drinking coffee seductively. Well, actually not seductively, he was just drinking it like any other sane bastard, but that idiotic cat-brain still managed to blush heavily at such a normal sight. My cousin didn't blush too much. He was the one making people blush. So I figured Kiku must have been very seductive, with that black drop of Cappuccino slowly dripping down his chin. Stupid Japanese freak should be happy that it was still only ten to eleven, otherwise I would take his coffee away.

My cousin was charmed as soon as he laid his eyes on Kiku. It didn't really show too much in his expression though, because as soon as the blush faded away, his face remained blank and void of emotions. I swear I could see a little red spread across his features as soon as Kiku looked up, noticed us and sent as a gentle smile. A smile that hadn't vanished at the sight of five evil cats staring into him intensively. He was damn perfect for the 'prince' position.

At first Heracles didn't talk much, but as soon as the conversation turned into what kitty Kiku wanted exactly, he started to mumble some things sleepily. It wasn't like him, he wasn't usually that awkward, but I guess that a small spark from the meeting years ago remained.

What to say, I ditched them twenty minutes later. Some alone time and stuff like that. It may or may not have had something to do with a date of my own with a certain tomato eating bastard. Even a Godmother had other stuff to do, okay? What do you think she was doing while Cinderella was making puppy- or rather kitty- eyes at the Prince Charming? Actually, did that guy even have a name? He didn't, right? Should Kiku be nameless to be an ideal prince charming? Who cares anyway. All that you need to know is that Kiku and Heracles' date went perfectly and they agreed to meet up again some other day. As soon as my friend told me that with an adorable blush on his face the other day, I knew that I was fucking successful and that I make a pretty damn awesome Godmother. Plus Heracles had that dumb smile on his face when he fell asleep in my apartment today. Kinda looked like Feli's' everyday expression.

During the next five months, the two of them would meet up more and more often, for longer and longer periods of times. And when we'd meet, Heracles would keep on telling me about Kiku, and Kiku would end up wasting my times on tales about my cousin. It was annoying as fuck and made me wonder for the nth time why I was such a good person. Seriously, someone normal would have flipped out a long time ago. But because I'm just amazing and I care for the idiots too much – they could set a building on fire by accident, these morons – I listened to them patiently. Or, well, not really listened to them. When I was over at Heracles' I kept messaging with Ivan, and when with Kiku, I exchanged bored glances with Arthur and Matthew.

**XxX**

"Kiku, for the love of the glorious Lady, confess to that lad before I turn him into a frog" Arthur growled loudly, his green eyes flashing dangerously. I turned to look at Kiku's reaction, not really surprised to see him blushing.

"It is not that easy, Arthur-kun"

"It is very easy, you bloody git! You have spent the last three months telling us about his eyes and believe me, if I hear you say it one more time, so help me God, I will turn that bastard, no offence Lovino, into a bloody frog and you will have to kiss him, to turn him back to normal!" a silence fell upon us, the only sound was Kirkland's heavy breathing. Have I ever mentioned how much I love that bastard? He's fucking fantastic and amusing. And he's got brains, unlike members of my family

"Kissing frogs is kinda your hobby" at my words, Matthew and Kiku started giggling, while Arthur simply turned to me, face red, ready to start an argument.

"What was that supposed to mean, you wa-"

"You and French bastard are so fucking obvious that it's sad. Did you seriously think we didn't know? Tomato bastard is friends with your perverted boyfriend, and wino bastard keeps on telling him about your 'moments full of l'amour'." Arthur's lips kept on closing and opening. He looked like a fish. That's funny. I'm going to remember that moment and annoy him about it later on. Because why the fuck not?

"You really should just confess, Kiku. Heracles is a very nice person. I'm sure that the two of you would make a very cute couple" Matthew smiled gently, telling us about how good Heracles was with little kittens. Both of them were studying veterinary and were acquaintances.

"I'll try" the three of us really hoped that he'll finally confess, because damn, two more months and we'd end up in a mental hospital.

**XxX**

Two weeks after that conversation, the princess, or rather Cat King Heracles Karpusi, and the prince charming, or rather evil ninja Honda Kiku were a lovey-dovey couple. They adopted a child they called Lachesis. She was a very cute young kitten, with brown and white stripes. And this way, all eight of them – two humans, six cats – lived happily ever after. And the Godfather, me, could finally rest peacefully, because dammit this tiresome shit was finally over. The Godfather might or might not have married a certain tomato bastard two weeks later, and a new born couple plus some other annoying people might or might not have been present on the wedding.

And they all lived happily ever after, with Cat King and Evil ninja surrounded by cats in their Kitty Kingdom.

_**The End**_

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**Information**

**Stronzo** – It. Asshole, tard

**Sparta** – I hope that everyone knows what it is. It's supposed to be a kitty name here though. Isn't that cute? Yeah, okay, I'll shut up now OTL. Anyway, there was this video on YT where Greece says 'This is SPARTA' and shows a kitty. It was my inspiration.

**Athena** – Greek name, also Greek goddess of wisdom, courage, inspiration, civilization, law and justice, just warfare, mathematics, strength, strategy, the arts, crafts, and skill. In this story, a kitty

**Karamella** – Gr. Καραμέλλα (karamélla); literally means Caramel. In this story, a kitty.

**Erastis** – Gr. Εραστής (erastí̱s); literally means Lover. In this story, a kitty.

**Archimedes** - a Greek mathematician, physicist, engineer, inventor, and astronomer. I chose him of all the Greeks because he was born in Syracuse, Sicily. And since this story was about family Romano/Greece… yeah. In this story, Archimedes was a kitty.

**Lachesis** - Means "apportioner" in Greek. She was one of the three Fates or Μοιραι (Moirai) in Greek mythology. She was responsible for deciding how long each person had to live. The meaning of the name also means 'Fate'. A kitty in this story ^^

**l'amour** – Fr. 'love'

**Greek-Italian relationship** - In modern times, both countries established diplomatic relations in 1861, immediately upon Italy's unification. More than two millennia of shared heritage and Greco-Italian relations have led to the Italian language statement "**_Una Faccia Una Razza_**" (One Face, One Race). Coastal areas of South Italy are called "**_Magna Graecia_**" (Great Greece).

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**A/N: Did you feel the most amazing powers of rainbow cookies?! This stuff is amazing, it makes me all happy and all. Just it were normal chocolate cookies. But let's pretend they were rainbow cookies anyway. So, if anyone is going to read it, thank you for your patience. It was really fun to write. For Romano/Greece story idea I'd like to thank my dearest **_**SoledaDeMisPesares **_**(you are amazing, darling ;w; ). Oh yeah. Also, I was reading Cinderella before I wrote this. You can blame Cinderella on it. And cookies. Okay, not to annoy you anymore, thank you for reading *bows*. **


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